Today, 500 Startups announced the filing of its latest fund, a $5 billion “Five Unicorns” mega-fund. The new fund plans to make five investments in just five startups, at one billion dollars each, over a period of five years.

The five “Unicorn” startups must already have raised at least $1 billion from the biggest & best VC funds, such as Sequoia Capital, Benchmark, Greylock, Andreessen-Horowitz (A16Z), or Union Square Ventures. (Note: former top-tier funds are encouraged to re-apply for qualification in Five Unicorns Fund II, after they have achieved more traction.)

“After five long years of busting our asses investing in 1,000 companies all over the world, we realized we were working way too fucking hard for VCs,” said 500 Startups Founding Partner Dave McClure. “We decided to stop our foolish ‘spray & pray’ strategy, and take the advice of Peter Thiel to the next level. Our new fund will invest exclusively in the top company each year already clearly branded as a unicorn, and already funded by unicorn VCs. This strategy will also give us a lot more time to go skiing with other entitled white male VCs.”

Even though none of these unicorns are close to a liquidity event, their investors will be celebrated as victors.

“It’s about time 500 Startups basked in some of that glory,” said 500 Startups Managing Partner Christine Tsai, who looks forward to providing questionable PR quotes about unicorns and participating in all-important SXSW panels covering the topic. She may even go on to become a “thought leader” on the subject.

As is tradition in the venture industry, 500 Startups plans to brand these new unicorn logos proudly across its website and Dave’s lower back. The company has also asked press to ensure they namedrop at least one of their new unicorns whenever mentioning 500 Startups.

More information is expected to be released to LPs and wealthy Bitcoin hoarders on April 1st of next year. Following this, a launch celebration will take place at a ski retreat so exclusive even Dave can’t get an invite.

About 500 Startups

500 Startups is a Silicon Valley venture capital seed fund & startup accelerator. We run an accelerator program emphasizing design & user experience, distribution & customer acquisition, and lean startup practices & metrics. Our investment team is comprised of 16 people who speak ~20 languages and operate in 12 different countries and most of them never fall for an April Fools’ gag.