EDITOR’S WARNING: this was an April Fool’s joke… if you actually believed this was a real story, we have a bridge in Brooklyn for sale we’d love to show you…

Today, 500 Startups announces WinterFund, a new investment vehicle focused on the fastest-growing sector of the tech industry — namely, billion-dollar startups recently marked down by Fidelity and other wannabe-kingmaker mutual funds.

The $500M WinterFund plans to make over 100 investments in down-sized Unicorns who have failed to raise at previous nosebleed valuations, yet still have a fleeting chance at sitting atop the Iron Throne of Tech.

500 startups is also announcing a strategic partnership with the city of Fresno, California. We plan to relocate “chilly” WinterFund portfolio companies to sunny and warm Fresno, where they will enjoy stunningly low rents and easy access to recreational substances to get through tough times. Gone are the days of expensive offices in SOMA, here to stay are the days of locating your startup adjacent to the local chicken rotisserie and laundromat.  

“We are thrilled to be the first to “warm up” disheartened founders on freezing cold San Francisco summer nights, and believe we can close deals at great prices in this climate,” said Dave McClure, 500 Startups Founding Partner & VC-In-The-North.

“YC is excited to see second-tier investors like 500 Startups stepping up to make payroll for a few of our less-capable teams who burned through their seed round too fast,” said YC President & Dictator-for-Life Sam “Joffrey” Altman, adding “YC companies always repay their convertible debts… well, unless they get acqui-hired.”

“Wall Street’s brutal markdowns are our gains. However let’s not call them “down” rounds, rather we prefer “reduced cap” or “decapitated” financings… because Winter isn’t coming; it’s already here,” said Christine Tsai, 500 Founding Partner and Chief Wildling Tamer.

About 500 Startups

500 Startups is a global venture capital fund and startup accelerator based in Silicon Valley with $250M in assets under management. We have invested in a wide variety of technology startups all over the world, currently over 1,500 companies since our inception in 2010 including: Credit Karma, GrabTaxi, Twilio, Udemy, Ipsy, TalkDesk, Intercom, MakerBot (acq’d by SSYS), Wildfire (acq’d by GOOG), and Viki (acq’d by Rakuten). Our team of 100+ people manage seed investments in 20 countries and speak over 25 languages and most of them never fall for an April Fools’ gag.