As we close another big year in tech it’s a time honored tradition to take a moment to reflect. Not on the year past of course. In this industry it’s actually too dangerous to look behind you. So instead the venture community likes to make bold visionary-like predictions for what’s to happen next year. While we are almost never right about this stuff that doesn’t stop us from cranking out these prediction posts.

Of course here at 500 we do things a little bit different. To that end, we’re happy to present the 500 Startups 2016 anti-predictions for tech. Basically a few predictions that are never going to f*cking happen. Although it would be pretty cool if they did.

Twitter Board announces launch of new mobile app called “TwinderCEO”, meets once per month to swipe right & select new Twitter CEO.
-Dave McClure

Palantir ends up buying Palo Alto. Like the whole town. They then promptly rename the city to Palantiro.
-Sean Percival and concerned Palo Alto resident Christine Tsai

Donald Trump wins Presidency, announces new tech taskforce with Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Larry Page to turn off the Internet.
-Dave McClure

Steph Curry leaves NBA to become venture partner at 500 Startups; decides to only invest in companies that are more than 3,000 miles away (calls it the “3-point shooting for VCs”).
– Dave McClure

Uber raises $1B every other week of 2016 amassing a larger war chest than most small countries.
– Sean Percival

A16Z and Benchmark do merger — Marc Andreessen and Bill Gurley have a tip-toe contest to see who is actually taller and decide who takes over as CEO.
– Dave McClure

Dave McClure leaves 500 Startups to become a scout for Sequoia (shhh, don’t tell anyone)
-The 500 Startups Mole